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2004-12-31 - 10:17 p.m.

Yep. So he does call. But leans on that whole, Iím against New Yearís Eve bullshit. Apparently there are too many expectations of NYE for the IG. I wonder what that means. I canít help but wonder if he isnít at some party he didnít want to invite me too. Man, I need to get some self confidence or something. Itís now 9:50 and I canít get a call back so Iím thinking the NYE booty call is on hold. Although with the huge hole in my belly button I am unsure of my abilities at this time. He also told me that his xrays showed his rib isnít healing properly. Maybe I should take that as a sign. Oh hell, I am an idiot, I should have said, ďCan I come over later?Ē when I did have him on the phone. I get what I deserve than. Alone. I hate being alone sometimes.

I really wish he would call back cause if Iím not going over there I want to scrub this makeup off and take a pain pill so I can cry about this in peace. I donít even know what I did last NYE. I know in 2002 I spent it in Omaha. 2001 not even sure what happened than. I think last year I went over to his house but Iím not sure. Yep. Check it and thatís what I did.

Iím tired from shopping and lifting today. Maybe I shouldnít go out. Here I sit.

I recall the days of going to concerts or Times Square on NYE. Back then I had an emotional roller coaster of a life. I saw the Kinks on NYE with Jim. I think we also had a huge fight that night. Or was that the Billy Joel New Yearís Eve concert. I think I was a wee bit of a bitch back then. I also think I was petrified by the fact that he visited a prostitute. I didnít think that was so cool at that the time. He lost his virginity to one. I guess he went back cause he felt it was a good experience.

I was very confused at that time. I had a huge crush on Leon and I had been dating Jim for the usual two year span where I get terribly bored. I remember trying to break that relationship off so many times and being frightened because he was so violent about it.

The last time I remember him begging for some break up sex and all I would do was give him a blow job because I was so not into the idea of him touching me.

Jim was very manipulative. He kept telling me how I wasnít creative and I think that bothered me a lot at the time. I never felt like my grades were good enough. I never felt I deserved better cause my parents were constantly angry at me because of my dating habits. Which I admit at times ran to the slutty side of things but I had really straightened out by the time I had met Jim.

10:15 okay so IG called back. I tried to be cool about this but now Iím crying and my eyes are stinging terribly cause of my stupid mascara. He said he doesnít feel well and he used my full name which means he is annoyed. He told me it was up to me but he sounded so pissy I just thought the hell with this. I remained as calm and nonchalant as I could. I guess I can take that pain pill now and feel like shit cause there is no one to kiss me on New Yearís Eve. Better Luck next time.


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