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2004-12-31 - 2:50 a.m.

"But the most exciting, challenging, significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you love, well that's just fabulous." Carrie Bradshaw.

I wonder if I can find someone who will love the you I love. I have to find out who that is exactly. Is it the kind woman, the smart woman, the dirty ho woman. Who am I really. Other than the sick person who keeps having to take pain meds cause my midsection feels like an elephant stomped on it.

I wanted IG to call but everyone else in the dang world did. Even Zeke. He must think I am insane. I keep dodging his phone calls cause I havenít read his script. Iíll read it tomorrow and then call. I keep getting telemarketing calls from a wordsmart. I donít even know what that is.

I want him to call. I want him to want me. Cause I want him. At least in a carnal sense.

JRO called and screamed at me. I guess I deserve it after the other day I made her cry and cry and cry. I just told her the truth. She hates it when I tell her like it is. She kept ranting about how everyone in town is punishing her and her daughter. She told me about the years when she called the cops on her abusive boyfriend and they told her not to call anymore. She made no sense. I worry about that. She doesnít have a grasp of reality much of the time. I wish I could ease her pain but a lot of it is stuff she does to herself. I also think she needs some sort of hormone therapy to straighten this stuff out. Or anti anxiety pills or something. The problem has gone beyond what I can stand. I donít want to hurt her but this is getting ridicules with the phone calls.

I miss some parts of my old life but there are parts of my new life I like. I will think about that and write about it.

I spend time thinking about Big and then think about ways I can get IG to come again. Where the hell is my head? What the hell happened to my heart? Do I still have a soul? Is it worth saving? I think about God. I ask him to help people that need it. The world is in pain right now. My pain and discomfort seems trivial in comparison.


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