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2004-12-31 - 10:52 p.m.

Heal yourself on a Lonely NYE

1. Scrub makeup off.
2. Put on nice pjs.
3. Take two pain killers
4. Drink one Sky Blue
5. Eat some Ben and Jerryís but not too much or your stomach will get upset.
6. Listen to some music
7. Write angry letters to the men you wish you were with tonight. Tell IG he is a selfish bastard and tell Rude he didnít deserve you. Say whatever you need to feel better.
8. Cry all you want too.
9. Make a deal with yourself that you will leave all of this negative stuff behind and work on making tomorrow better.
10. Realize that you are the one who is control. It is not fate. Itís not IGís fault. Itís not Rudeís fault. If you donít want to be alone next NYEís make it so.
11. Cry all you want too.
12. Sleep.

Iím not sure why I am crying here tonight. Maybe because I felt so alone this week trying to sit still and recover from stupid gall bladder surgery. I mean there was no one to take me up to the hospital and sit with me because JRO was horribly drunk that day and I didnít want to risk her driving me. I freaked some about being alone on that day. I just attribute it to having to sign that advanced directive sheet which basically states, ďHi, if Iím brain dead turn the machine off, please.Ē Thinking about death in a hospital setting can make you a bit apprehensive

Joyce brought me home afterwards and was good to me The lack of a real boyfriend doesnít seem to bother me till something like this happens. I hate asking friends to do things for me. I even hate asking IG to do things for me but what the hell is IG? He is a friendly sex toy. Or what? Why canít I think more about this like a man? Why canít I train my mind and heart to be in control? I spent my last birthday crying cause IG couldnít or didnít want to have sex. I understand he was going through a rough patch at at that time .

I am now spending NYE crying cause heís sick and he doesnít want to see me. I should have made other plans or just have been satisfied with the idea of being alone. I mean I ask so little of IG. So little. I am so afraid to complain because the idea of being cut off from the fairly regular supremely good sex is frightening to me. There is a lot to be said for the great easy going sex we have. The trouble isÖ.is it worth this pain I am having when I need a boyfriend type service like tonight. I mean crap just sleeping next to him would be good enough. He just seemed like he was in such a bad mood.

I mean I could go to the bar right now and find someone to sleep with or kiss me but it wouldnít work. I could probably even find someone fairly attractive at this point who was single but I donít want too. I want the stupid IG. I would rather be alone. This is how I need to toughen my self up. I mean guys can do this but I would rather not. I like the way IG smells and even though he is a terrible sleeper, itís comfortable to sleep next to someone you know. I think thatís the problem. I should have never started staying over there. I didnít have this issue until I started to get attached.

Next time, no sleeping, just enjoy the carnal part, and leave. Also it would helpful if this person lived within walking distance. This driving 45 minutes for sex kinda sucks and limits the boot call opportunities.


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