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2003-08-15 - 6:43 a.m.

When I started typing this I remembered this computer has no word processing capabilities which spell check...dang!

My choices are to type in the email program and hope it doesn't crash or trust my own spelling skills. Hmmmm.....I could also always edit later when I get to a location with a REAL machine.

The owner of the machine (BIG) hasn't taken the time to fix the machine. I think this is actually the mail server or something. It's not suppose to be for surfing or other stuff.

Big has no time for anything but SWG. For the non-geeks in the house that's Star Wars Galaxies. I have never seen him like this. All he does is play the game. I could be sitting here bleeding, dying, topless, kissing a lesbian, winning the lotto and he wouldn't notice if he was in game. Last week I was angry he decided to continue to play after he said he was going to watch SATC with me. Now don't paint me in your mind as a attention grabbing needy bitch but given the opportunity he enjoys watching that show with me. Lately I haven't been given him much opportunity to do anything with me.

I have been depressed, tired, and worried.

How is this different from any other time in my life? I think that my breast cancer scare, my weight gain, the lack of sleep because of the amount of work I have been doing all contributes to my lack of filtering. Usually with Big there are times I filter so he doesn't get tired of the 'real' me. Part of the real me though is the part that wants to have fun, be the party girl, be the pretty girl, be the confident girl, oh hell just to be considered a girl would be good. I mean even I get tired of the doom and gloom 24/7.

Maybe it is in my genetic makeup to be depressed or obsessive or to worry all the time. So what? Lots of people in the world are like this and they are married and have many of things I desire. What is so wrong with my desire to be loved and adored? What is wrong with me that no one adores me or loves me?

We were watching 'Secretary' which I found to be a delightful, thoughtful film. The look on MGs face when JS spanks was really cool . Oh heck the whole thing was cool. Big's reaction to this movie....oh I heard that's the way it is in S and M relationships that the non dominate one is often the one who turns the table in the relationship. I shot back....cause I was half least you know you are loved. No repsonse to this.

Some of that movie brought back flashbacks of my relationship with Leon. I do actually use his real name here. Why? Cause that man....or actually that realtionship sometimes I think messed me up some. Or maybe I was messed up already. Leon always told me I was screwed up and I believed him.

So many negative thoughts. I keep playing them over and over in my mind. This is not healthy. Why can't I change the soundtrack there? Switch the channel, change the station? Why isn't it easier for me? I am smart. I can figure things out. I want to be happy. I should be happy. So many people would want my life and still I wallow in my own whine and torment.

For example....yesterday I had a pretty good day which turned quickly. Why? cause of something offhand that IG said. He goes....I might go see a baseball game tomorrow but if I don't give me a call and we'll have happy sex. I wanted to scream. TAKE ME! Take ME! but no.

What is so wrong with me that the IG can't be seen in public with me?

Another blow to the ego was sitting in the car with the new salesguy for my part time job. He said I think you are late thirties early forties. ARGGGGGGG!!!!! The lack of sleep is causing me to look old. I am having cellular breakdown.

IN addition to all this my surgeon cancelled my appointment and rescheduled for next week. I was hopnig not to do to much next week. CRAP. I have the dentist, the therapist, and some meetings for school.

I need some time. Time for me. I need to want to feel wonderful and happy.

Although this song reminds me of my brother....sometimes it sounds like me

i hurt myself today

to see if i still feel

i focus on the pain

the only thing that's real

the needle tears a hole

the old familiar sting

try to kill it all away

but i remember everything

what have i become?

my sweetest friend

everyone i know

goes away in the end

you could have it all

my empire of dirt

i will let you down

i will make you hurt

i wear my crown of shit

on my liar's chair

full of broken thoughts

i cannot repair

beneath the stain of time

the feeling disappears

you are someone else

i am still right here

what have i become?

my sweetest friend

everyone i know

goes away in the end

you could have it all

my empire of dirt

i will let you down

i will make you hurt

if i could start again

a million miles away

i would keep myself

i would find a way

hurt....trent reznor


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