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2003-08-13 - 11:17 p.m.

My body is fairly firm except for my stomach and underneath my arms. I hate my stomach. HATE IT.

This was so evident to me last night while being shupped at my workplace on the conference table.....don't ask.

I looked down and was like yikes that's my tummy....geeze...

I mean I have never had a flat stomach but I was just disgusted by this that I was distracted....

I wish I could just love myself and my body. My body has done some pretty amazing things over the years why can't I cut it a break? Why can't I cut myself a break in this area?

I need to work on some things that will help me sort out this self esteem issue.

I mean I have this weird thing going on where part of me thinks I am all that and the other part just detests myself.

I need to accept the fact I will never look like a teenager again. Ever. No matter what sorts of miracles they are working with chemicals and plastics. I will never look like a 19 year old again.

Lately I look in the mirror and I am not sure that's me. I need to work on this.

There are so many good things in my life. I have so many opportunities. Why do I dwell on my physical appearence?

I am trying to work on this in therapy but the therapist seems to think I should make lists of things that I need to do around my house. Or things I need to do to make myself feel better. She is really list oriented. Maybe that's what I need. Maybe it's the discipline of the lists.

I don't know. I do know I need to sleep.....


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