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2003-01-08 - 12:29 p.m.

I had an odd dream. I was in the basement of our old apartment or what looked like it sorting some action figures of the roommates’s for some reason.

I came up the stairs and I was in a house that looked like the kitchen in my parent’s house on 80th Street in Brooklyn. Big was there. He asked me if I could help him buy cheaper something or other…we went out into the dining room area and it was my house I live in now. Then Big said something made me go back into the kitchen and there was my Dad! Who hugged me and said hey…I’m sorry I haven’t been around and we haven’t visited in awhile but I have been taking care of you mom and your brother.

I go off to the family room area, which is somehow attached to the kitchen, and there is my mom. Dressed in a light colored jogging outfit. She is sitting next to my brother who looks young. My mom looks great. She looks healthy. All I can do is sit there on the floor in front of her and stare. Then I take a hold of her hand and I just feel joy and I want to tell Big about it. I am speechless…but I try anyways…in the meantime…. in the front of the house…. there is a playhouse that is huge. It looks like someone made it and it is rocky. There are kids in it and I am going to assume the roommate is in there…

My reaction to this dream. I felt so weird cause there was my mom. I was so glad to see her. I think about my mom a lot more often than I use to. I mean when my mom was alive I prayed for her safety and sanity. When she died she moved down the prayer list some cause I felt like God is taking care of her. But I do still pray she is not in pain and happy but it’s sort of an afterthought. I believe she is with God and taken care of.

I have to think this dream is a good sign.

When I haven’t been working over vacation I usually take the roommate to school then start looking at some stuff on the computer and then end up going back to bed for awhile since I seem to be exhausted most of the time. I don’t think this is a good habit to get into since next week it’s back to the schedule with five classes and my usual part time crap work which is getting to be about between 20-30 hours a week.

Ideally I need to get up work out, shower, get dressed, take roommate to school and then go to work and stay there till 5PM. Then I need to find something three or more nights a week where I go to work after I feed the roommate. Something where I am not driving two hours to go to work. I might apply one place here in town but then some people would know I have the extra job and that won’t be good.

I might try applying at some places in the next town over that takes about 45 minutes to get to but I don’t really want a retail job cause they pay terribly around here. I also don’t want to work every single weekend in case I get a few wedding jobs.

My life seems very complicated right now. I am happy, a little stressed cause of finances, but overall the quality of life is okay. I need to simplify. This means sticking with one boyfriend. Deciding if I want to work weekends in the Big O since they pay about $9 an hour for retail and the chance of seeing people I know is almost zero.

It would be perfect if I could find somewhere to work in the next town three nights a week and one weekend day. Or that the money I need for the downpayment would materialize. Or the very negative stuff on credit report would be taken off. I think if I work on the credit report and I am very careful about money for the next few months I can do this.

What would ease my mind would be if I could talk to the relator and the sellers and say "Hey.....I need until July 31st to close on the house. That would give me enough time to save more money cause after April I can work a different job for ten weeks....If I get something even for 9-10 bucks an hours I would be able to save a huge amount in addition to having my debt paid off. That would be fantastic....

I am obsessed with money right now....can you tell....


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