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2003-01-12 - 10:58 p.m.

Off the Booty Call List

I am tired. I worked a ton this weekend at dumb jobs. One of which was horribly exhausting and frustrating…the other isn’t bad but still requires some brainpower and I have to be on my feet quite a bit… anyways….all day I am looking forward to doing one of those school nite sex booty calls to IG and what happens…..but I call and get some bullshit on how he has an early morning so note to self….next time you pick a booty call boy pick on who isn’t so anal about this sort of thing……I know I called late but shoot isn’t that what a booty call is for? And I was going to be doing the driving… yeah… I am in tears….

Why is that? I am so frigging stupid. This just reiterates my secret desire for a real boyfriend not a booty call. I mean I don’t think Big is gonna come back….

In the next month I don’t know when I will have a free weekend nite again. I even arranged to pick up the roommate from his Dad in the morning….now that was stupid…..utterly stupid to use my ‘free night’ as it were……

Here is what I should have said You know what IG? My semester starts tomorrow…bright and early. I have to teach three classes a day for the rest of the semester, plus my two committees, plus the move, plus all of the crap administrative meetings……. and hold down a bunch of crap jobs….your life is busy….yeah…it’s busy supporting that car…..I have to basically double my income in the next four months and hold together at the regular job through some budget stuff that is going to be insanely challenging….

Why am I so angry right now? Why am I crying? What is wrong with me? What is so wrong with me that no man wants to commit to me? What is so wrong with me that I can’t even get someone who isn’t even the nicest person to let me come have sex with them? This is just so frustrating. I thought men wanted sex all the time? Well apparently this one doesn’t so……maybe I just need to make a list…..find some alternatives……maybe some delivery?

I need to stop this man addiction. Well, I mean the addiction to the IG’s penis. I could have had sex with any number of people in the last couple of weeks….and who do I choose or want? The one who probably wants me the least. This is an insane thing that I do. I need to stop this thing with the food. I cannot continue to eat ice cream and crap cause I feel bad about myself. I need to go to an IG anonymous meeting and a Ben and Jerry’s anonymous meeting. Or maybe more elliptical training but when am I going to find the time for this stuff?

I need to lose weight. Maybe if I lost weight I could find someone who would want me. I mean this is just not working out this floating around aimlessly.

Okay, well I am going to try to stop feeling shitty here…..I mean I tried to do some nice things for myself. I got some tiramisu and some chicken spinach broccoli…and Big got Sex and the City on DVD from NetFlix so I am watching that. Plus there is a new Buffy. I love Buffy…..although here in my neck of the woods the only time it is on is Sunday at 10:30 which is weird but at least we get it….the CBS affiliate carries UPN programming on Sat and Sun nites…very strange….just Buffy and the wrestling. I guess the public demands it……and what is up with all of the slayers? Are they trying to stack the deck for some sort of Playboy mansion party with slayerettes?

I should be happy. I am entertained and fed....I am trying to finish my work for school which I think will be okay. Maybe. I need to get some other things ready but I am really worn out right now. My brain is fried.

I put the craptop on the coffeetable in the living room so I can write and surf while I watch the sex and the city episodes. I remember some of the episodes. I like to watch the early ones cause it helps me remember why Carrie loves Big so much. Sometimes I forget. I should be organizing some stuff for class tomorrow so I can spend my time packing up my stuff in my office.

Maybe I will go do that. Or maybe I should stop crying first.


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