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2006-07-08 - 8:32 p.m.

He always runs off when I need him.

Two of the biggest events we had planned fell on the day before his birthday and his the birthday of the love of his life. Both of these events had other things to consider when the dates were set so there was no way around this.

I have to put him in the asshole category now because he seems to have nothing but contempt for me sometimes. I wish things were different but they're not.

I can't be sad about this because I knew there was no way this could end but bad.

Why why's been a year...where is the distraction that will help me move on from this horrible thing that has hurt my self esteem.

I guess if felt good at the beginning so that's why I let it go.

I shouldn't have let my guard down. That will learn me. right.

The trick will be to get the distance I need to make things right in my heart and make things work in my mind.

He turned to me in California high and drunk.....listening to "It Will All Work Out"

"You have to sing this like there was a he."

I told him I always do.


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