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2005-08-07 - 2:42 p.m.

The respite of drunkenness as a way to inure oneself to the pain of existence -- “Malt does more than Milton can to justify God’s ways to man.” - Alfred Housman - English Poet

This sounds like a poetic description of why I drink. Better than I get fucked up to forget how fucked up I am.

Yeah so, Thursday night I went to pick up my roommate who refuses to drive. I went to Lincoln, I hate driving in Lincoln. Then I drove to Omaha to drop him at Skokol for a show. We had to drive around the block like fifty times. I wasn't into that because he didn't want to be at the show too early. I guess I understand. I offered to go into the show and look for his friends but he said 'Mom, I can do that. That's embarrassing." Some things never change.

Earlier in the week I had talked to the Young One on the phone. We email and phone from time to time to check in with one another on things. I needed to talk to him because I was so miserable and confused. I knew he would at least talk to me. I think he is feeling lonely because he broke up with his girlfriend. Or horny as the case may be. The last time we had sex was the night of Pat and Beth's wedding at his house. I had to sneak out and come back to his house for this to happen because he was trying to get people out of the house before we snuck into his bedroom. I don't really remember it all that well except for the bed made some pretty bad noises. This is why I use to want to keep my mattress on the floor. It makes for less noise so if you have to be sneaky you can do that. Oh hell, I don't have sex in my own bed so what's the difference?

I think he needs a new nickname to reflect recent changes in him. Maybe I just need to call him by his name. I have known him since 1996? That's a long time.

The Young One has grown up. Yes, he has. He can still kiss. He was smooth and sauve and had it all together. It was amazing. I was very impressed with his direct approach. Confident, yet comforting. He looked at me with desire which was interesting because I don't remember him looking that way before. He could have been horny but still it's difficult to fake that kind of emotion or rawness of feeling.

He got totally naked in the light which was weird. I am not into that anymore because of my scars so off we went to the bedroom and we talked and kissed and everything else. He told me he didn't want to have sex with people he felt no connection with. I find this statement interesting because this is why I don't go down to the bar and just fuck everything I can. It might also explain why I keep everyone around who I've had sex with. I don't want to not be their friend. There's got to be something of value if I let someone that close to me physically. Now mentally that's another story. I don't think I can do this again. I tried recently and it ended in tears for me. Confusion and hurt for the other party.

Now with the Young One there is an emotional connection but at this point it's not like the confusing crush I had on him. I think that he's more capable of understanding what happened with us in 2001. I mean it's almost four years ago now which is sort of amazing. Things have changed for both of us but I think we still have some good feelings there that are appropriate for our friendship or as it happens a friendship with benefits that happens when one or the other of us is feeling single, lonely, or needy I guess.

It felt great. I feel somewhat better now. I think that having someone I care about assure me I wasn't being predatory or unreasonable helped. Also, having someone hold me and share some good memories was a way to put my crying, moaning and whining in perspective. I am lucky person to have people in my life that care about me.

Bottom line: I am not stupid. I made a bad choice and I will get over it.


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