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2005-07-27 - 11:50 a.m.

Pardon the teenaged tone of the next paragraphs.

Oh good lord. I just talked to him and I feel like a tool. He got so quiet. So quiet when talking about sex. He spoke of not wanting to deconstruct this. But he did it for my sake. It's gonna be messy but it could be fun. Yeah organic. Let it happen organically. He wasn't sure. There wasn't intent. Hmmm....yeah like I should have sex with a vulnerable boy-man. This could be bad or it could be the thing that brings me around. There is sort of rejuvenating effect to it. I know from the last time. It's sort of like a drug that I know I like but it isn't something I should do again. Maybe it would help him. I know it helped the young one out to the point where I didn't recognize him emotionally. The young one was very grateful because it let him have the thing he wanted most. An intimate relationship with a woman for an extended period of time where he felt comfortable in his own skin. I mean he did it.

I wonder what he kisses like. How would that go? There'd a thrill and risk in that. What if he doesn't find me attractive and he's got that whole lovesick thing to handle when she's done with her bar exam. He wasn't in a good place emotionally on that. So that's why he turned to me in his ambivliant asexual way. He felt nice right up next to me. I am not one for the cuddling but maybe that's the sort of thing I need. Maybe it's something I always wanted but was too afraid of because of the intimacy thing. Yeah intimacy, oh boy, is that a bitch of thing. I so desperately craved it when I was a kid. I gave up on it after Big. Too painful too complicated and not worth the pain sometimes.

I think he was scared. I was scared. I don't want to wreck the relationship I have with him. For the first time in years I let my guard done a bit. A tiny bit just to check it out. Even though I knew it might not be the healthiest thing for either one of us. I like sitting on my couch and watching movies with him. I like hanging out with him as a friend. Would all that change if we did that. I have to respect it why wreck it with sex. What is wrong with this?

Does organic mean that this only will happen when one or the other of us is to put it in the words of Ludicrous........drunk enough to do that?

Why did I put myself in this position? Why do I have to make myself vulnerable right now to this kind of crap?

Dang. Need to stop thinking about this now. I need for my mind to behave. I don't need the complications.
My body, yikes. I am so out of shape and disgusting. Oh my god. I look terrible and matronly. He can't be attracted to me that way. I know there isn't lustful bone in his body for me. I would feel something like that I would think.

Although on the bright side the last time this happened I got tons of editing done.


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