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2003-03-04 - 10:55 p.m.


Yeah I have to say that I am confused at times about men. My ex, Mr. Big and my family got together and decided to give me a new computer for my birthday. It is so cool. I can't wait to bring it home. It has a 21 inch monitor...and a fast processor. So much better than what I have now. It was so cool for my family and Big to do this.

I love Big and I always will but sometimes I am not sure what his motives are. I mean he is constantly dogging me for sex……and lately I prefer to do that with IG. I mean it’s not that IG loves me or even cares for me. It seems to be all about the fuck. I wish I could get back to the place where I could just be happy with Big or I wish Big and I could get to a place where he could just say……Hey….mediamaven I love you….

I don’t think he wants to go there. I know he loves me and I love him. He seems to want something else or he did want something else. Who knows? I should probably ask him. It’s one of those mysteries of the universe. We have spent so much time together. So many things…so many experiences.

Now Mr. IG….he is about the same…calls every once in awhile wants sex……doesn’t seem to understand that when he calls at 10pm on Friday I might not be home. He still seems to be obsessed with his ex and her family. I understand his loyalty. I understand why he must keep his distance from me.

He also says things to me or touches me in a way that gives me that strange false hope. I wish I were not like this with men. I don’t want to be with the ones who want me but I want to be with the ones that don’t want me. Very confusing.


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