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2002-12-30 - 7:38 p.m.

I think the YO is right about trying to find people that are cool, are interested in the things you have interests in, and finding someone who likes you for what you are and not what you could become thru rigorous diet and exercise and a haircut....

I think sometimes my problem is that I had that....I really did have that for awhile and I miss it. I am just unsure as to how do I get back to that place. It was a long time ago that I found that in someone to be with that things worked.....and they did work for most of the time until both of us got bored and stopped do we try again? A big question that I can't answer alone and something I'm not sure I can talk about with that person.

In the meantime I am left with the insurance guy who I like. I mean he's a smartass....and I have such a soft spot in my heart for people who are smart and can be cynical. I mean there has to be something there cause I keep having sex with him every once in awhile but I think I do that cause I am lonely and it's fairly fun.....cept for when I am thinking I am going to crush him because of my weight. So hereís my rant on that topic for a moment.

Now I donít think I look too bad but I do need to lose at least 40 pounds. I donít know how I can make that happen other than exercising for at least two hours a day and to stop drinking soda.

With IG I am very very aware of my weight and how large I might seem to him. He is the smallest person I have ever dated. He is short and probably weighs about 165 after a day of eating rocks. I probably weigh between 170 and 180 right now. I really donít want to know. He is strong and can throw me around the bed rather well. But I always feel like I am going to smooch him. Now with BigÖ.I felt that way too but in the last year I have to say I am not worried about crushing him at all. He has at least 100 pounds on me so I donít worry so much about that anymore. I can apparently balance my weight well enough that people donít really know how heavy I really am. I hide it well. But I canít hide it from myself. I want to lose all of the fat crap around my waist and whatís grown on my hips. I mean it will take some work but I was at that point in 1988 where I started to be a happy with my weight but I was doing aerobics five days a week. I had time for it then.

Back to IGÖ..I wish I could say heyÖ..please be my boyfriend for awhile. I know I am not what you want physically but I like you. He isnít what I want physically but as always I am now attached cause of the whole sex thing. I enjoy the sex with him despite itís vanilla-ness.


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