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2006-04-15 - 9:41 a.m.

I am invisible to the person I have a crush on. I have realize that this crush is another one of those self destructive things I have done to sabotage myself since Rude and I broke up. Hard truth sucks and I have to realize that 20 something thin lawyer girl is always going to trump 40 something fat professor no matter how talented and dedicated I am.

For a smart person I am so stupid emotionally. I need to get some help. Or I need to up my meds. I need to clean my house. I need to take care of my debt. I need to manage myself and not play the victim. All of these things represent symptoms of my pathology.

Why at my age am I still stuck on the idea that I need someone? I don't and sometimes I am almost happier without it. I just miss intimacy. I miss sex. I miss having someone to do stuff with. I don't need it all the time but it's something I think I need to function.

This whole thing is tangled fucking mess that I made because things got good for me. This is so me.

I think the boy represented something I know I will never have again. It's sad and it sucks but move the fuck on.

The insurance guy hasn't called and I am not sure why. I guess I will call and ask what the situation is. He was a cold and selfish person except in bed so why do I even want to continue that bullshit.

My only option for age appropriate companionship at this point is someone who isn't that attractive or intelligent. A divorced guy who is obsessed with me because he had some mind blowing sex with me years ago. Sex is a powerful thing. This guy won't be thrilled about the weight gain but what am I to do. I can never feel about him the way he felt about me.

The whole thing sort of sucks this morning. I need to get in a better mood.

Easter represents a new beginning and that's what I need. A clean slate with an open heart and clear rationale head.


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