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2005-08-29 - 12:40 a.m.

I have no concentration or attention span lately. I need to sleep more. Think and eat less. Is there a drug that turns off the need to think? Or something that will slow down my brain?

I talked to Big today. Bless his heart he got me some 220s from Canada so I can deal with headaches and still work. $%%&Codeine556 is a drug I can work with. (())()(Vicadin not so much. I wish I didn't get these stupid headaches but I think my monitor at home isn't quite right. I do okay at work in front of the LCD but I cant afford it at home. Well maybe I will have to afford it so my head will stop hurting. .

I am pretty luck to have an interesting life filled with stuff. Sometimes when I talk to people I realize this. But I am so self involved it's like I don't care. What is up with the self involvement?

What is wrong with me lately? Why do I have dominate every conversation? Why am I so......I don't know how to describe it. I am happy but......yeah there is always a come I still can't do the intimacy thing with a man. Why haven't I met a guy to replace Big in my heart? Do I have to resign myself to the fact that it isn't going to happen? Why do I continue to have sex with someone who I am not sure I respect sometimes?

How come I am not pouring my energy into creative endeavors and losing weight? It's time to get with it and figure this stuff out. Now. While I am here and can handle it.

I took a big risk recently and we all know that just crapped out. I mean it wasn't supposed to pan out but I wanted something to be there that just can't be for so many reasons.


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