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2005-08-15 - 1:26 a.m.

I am not sure I could write fiction. I'd like to try. I think I've learned a lesson from the wonderboy that you shouldn't just spill your personal stuff right out into the light for all to see.
Although when I was younger my family was in great fear I would write a book. In this alleged book everyone in the family wouldn't be portrayed with loving or realistic language. My sis in particular was very concerned with how she comes out in such a venture.
If I wrote a book now I think I would be gentler about how I would depict people but I would have to be honest. I am not sure I would so much want to do a book about my family would be of some interest. I mean Rick Moody has made a living of writing these sorts of novels and so have other people. My writing isn't that great but I certainly could spin a tale. The problem is to write it down in a way other people can consume it. That is where the art comes in. That is where your craft is on display. Your content is your soul, your child, your lover. That is the problem with content. Your words have emotions connected. Your imagination is hanging out for all to see and dissect. Some would be writers do everything with content. I think this is where writers screw up. Everything else connect with writing like grammar, word selection, format, and plot progression, is just as important because it gets you to the point of expression.
As a writer I am very screwed up because of the pain it takes to get me to the point of expression. When I write it pours out of me in a pile of unorganized words unconnected by transitions or reasonable thoughts. I like doing video better especially when I can try to tell a story which develops in a natural manner or in a manner that I can begin or end at my discretion.
Writing is a problem because it isn't a natural form of expression for most people. I use it to do intrapersonal communication and some interpersonal communication but it's not the medium that I do best. Perhaps a visual medium is what I should strive for?
I wish I were a visual artist. It seems so easy for me to try to take still photos that depict an emotion, feeling, or event. I wish I could draw or I could paint. I feel so much more comfortable with expression in that format than I do with words.
Words.....all words do is get me into trouble or make me realize how stupid I've been. I use words to hurt myself and others all of the time. Words can be used a weapons. I don't think I have ever used an image or a piece of video as a weapon. The case could be made for the video I made for Big. I did want to use it as something to get him to react or think. I needed and wanted a reaction from him on it. I got a reaction but not necessarily what I needed or expected from him.
I have used video and photos as an expression of love and respect. I am wondering if there ever will be a time where I use them for a different purpose. I use writing to clear my head or express things that I need to work out in my head. I also use writing when I am angry or sad. I have also written things when I have been very happy. My personal writing is always preceded by a catalyst.
The poems I've written are out of love, lust, frustration, anger, or sadness. No poem ever comes from a sterile or stable emotional environment. At least not in my case.


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