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2005-08-14 - 9:51 a.m.

Yesterday I skipped work. Again. Well, I skipped the dog food job. I don't know why I am finding it so hard to go back there. I need to either suck it up and quit or go back to work. I don't feel like working at all this week. But I know I will do a few things with mystery shopping because it will be the last time I am free to do that. How am I going to afford to go to New Orleans if I don't suck it up here?

I went to see IG yesterday. He was drunk. Very drunk. He painted a shark mouth on the front of his new boat. He rubbed my feet with baby oil which was nice because they were dry. I need a pedicure in a bad way but I have no funds for this right now. He expected me to scream with EXTC or something. It was nice but he wasn't as forceful as I think I would have wanted. His garage just reeked of paint which gave me a headache so I was not so much into the fooling around. When he gets drunk....the biting. Ouch. I mean I am not opposed to biting but he does do it to hard cause there is no filter for his actions when he is that fucked up. His personality isn't the most pleasant sometimes when he is like that. I had no patience for the couch thing last night either. I wanted to be comfortable and in a non-toxic environment. I understand the need to get your swerve on in your garage but when it reeks of paint and you have a perfectly comfortable pillow top mattress available to you, why are we trying to fuck on a couch smaller than my ottoman. I must be getting old and losing my sense of adventure or something. Last night was one of the very few times that I couldn't concentrate on the sex. My thoughts were about why am I here? How is this convenient? Does this benefit me or him? Does this still feel good? Do I feel good?

I said something like; yeah I had to take a shower to get the scent of desperation off of me. I meant in terms of my underemployment and not so much my sex appeal. IG replies....oh I like the scent of desperation because I don't have all that many mad skillz......I shouldn't take what he says so literally. I was in one of those moods where that wasn't possible.

When we finally did get to bed it was fine. He wrapped himself around me. I was okay with that but when I am in that bed now all I can think about is I have to go home because of my roommate. I also don't want to stay there and sleep because I know that's how I get attached. Well in theory. That bed is comfortable and it's so hard to get out of it sometimes but it's what I have to do.


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