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2005-08-01 - 12:28 p.m.

"The real problem with drinking on the job is that it obliterates the reason for stopping work at the end of the day—so you can have a drink—thereby ensuring that if you keep it up, you will undoubtedly degenerate into a raving workaholic.” -Leah McLaren the Canadian Rainbow Rosewell

I think this quote describes my work ethic in graduate school. I drank my way thru the last six months of that program. I learned a great deal about life, how to do creative work, and how to be a good friend. I had never really had friends like that before with the exception of Trish, the evil Helena, or Elisa. I'm not sure I'd have friends like that again. The way that we lived was like I would imagine a commune. I mean we worked, ate, showered, slaved, and sometimes of slept together. The whole Laura, Ken, Denise, thing with me in the middle. Very strange. This was where I learned it's not good to misinterpret someone's touch and be patient about things. When I read my journal from that time it's somewhat painful but at least I can read part of it and laugh. The first time with Ken was weird but I liked it. Ken was another one of those boys who liked smart girls. He had a soft spot for weird arty girls. He ended up marrying a cute cookie cutter Long Island Girl. I had so hoped he and Laura would see each other but it never worked. Laura was more into moody musician guys. I will always wonder who Denise ended up with. Her boyfriend for a time was a drug addict type I don't remember clearly. Some of that time I don't remember because I was blacked out for part of it from the severe drinking to ease my pain. My creative pain. Well more likely that whole no man will ever love me pain. That huge whole in myself that had to be filled by a man.

I thought that at the time. Denise who had a good self esteem although not the best judgement told me I should make things. Denise had art. I think that made her a strong person who could stand up for herself.

I am glad that my idea of myself that changed with Kel. I remember thinking in the last part of pregnancy that I would never be alone again. The day I got ready in Wayne to move in with Bryan I had this thought while the baby kicked me in bladder. I felt heavy but my heart was light, my mind was dark with bad thoughts. I felt relived at the prospect of it but I took no joy in it. I was so worried how I would be as a mom. I kept thinking I can't commit to anything, how will I do this for my whole life? I saw him and I loved him. The melodramtic hole in my heart was filled. I knew I would never be alone. I haven't been.


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