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2005-04-04 - 1:11 a.m.

France was fabulous. Just great and what I needed to get my groove back. I have written quite a few pages about it but it's not organized yet.

I need to talk about some other things that are happening in my head right now.

Today I went to the wake of a child. A toddler who died because her mom had to go to work and leave her kid with her boyfriend. She thought it would be okay. He trusted her. She had to trust him.

I thought I would be okay but it hurt me inside to look at her little bruised face. It was weird that they decided to do the open coffin. One of the girls came out and told us that the child's eye was becoming unglued due to rough handling from an overzealous relative. Her toys, shoes, and slippers were on a table by the coffin. The little white coffin. It was surreal.

I went outside with my student for awhile and just listened to her. She seemed okay considering and so did her daughter. They said they were all cried out. I know there will be some bad and good days ahead for them but I think it's very tough situation.

When things like this happen I just keep thinking how could someone do that to a child I know there were times when I felt out of control when Kel was little but I always managed to put him in another room or hand him off to his dad. I am so lucky that his dad was someone who loved and cared about him. I don't think I ever would have hurt him but I know my frustration was real and harmful. Add to that the stress of being the breadwinner and dealing with work, life, and your kid. It's amazing any children live past the age of five. The way we live in this country certainly doesn't make it easy for young moms and their kids. I don't think it's easy for any one to raise kids. It's hard work.

I am lucky. Very lucky. My kid is okay and I think we will be okay together.

Meanwhile it's daylight savings time and I have to get up for work. I am not fond of the spring ahead deal. You lose sleep.


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