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2005-03-02 - 7:17 a.m.

So yeah.

Strollers went fine. I had a huge headache on Saturday night from noise. I couldnít hear any of the shows including ours. It sucked. I hated that I had to stay in the balcony in tape but the thought of getting paid for taping was a strong incentive to continue doing it despite the loud sorority types.

Big was well, big. I behaved. If anything I have to say I was proud of myself. I didnít cry but I felt fairly crummy on Saturday as I left while he was pounding down bombers.

One of kids, Shar told me that her dad continuously takes her mom to court about stupid crap. It makes me feel better that I try to have a good relationship with the roommateís dad. Although he pissed me off this weekend by going to Lincoln and telling me that he has ruined his life for the roommate and I. Oh yeah, and he has gone into debt twice for us. I have news for you, a couple thousand dollars of credit card debt does not make up for the thousands upon thousands of dollars I have spent on healthcare, food, clothing, and shelter for the kid. I feel like hey, you are the unemployed, unambitious parent so do something now to help me out since my hours are long, and parts of my job are stupid. Itís not my fault that you decided that parenting was to be your long term goal. I mean the roommate is almost 16. Heíll be on his own soon and in no need of real on hands parenting. I love how his excuse isÖoh the roommate needs me. I donít think he does. I mean he does emotionally but we donít need you to stay here if you can get a job doing something you like somewhere else. We can work something out. Geeze.
The lack of ambition here is nothing new but I am so tired of it. You are so smart, but you have no motivation. Sometimes I think he just doesnít have any emotional intelligence in this area. All I want is for him to be happy. Part of being happy is not being dead ass broke all the time.
I also want to scream well, for years and years I had no ^tivo, no ^ipod, no good electronics because I was providing. For goodness sake, we had no cable for about four years because I couldnít afford and no home internet access. He has always had these things.
I guess itís more important to experience pop culture than to provide the basics for your kid.

I was also less than pleased with JRo this weekend. I had to tape the V-day play and during the intermission she took that time to tell me that her boyfriend went into rehab and she was hysterical about it. Really crying about it. I asked her why and she said she couldnít be there for him. She felt like crap visiting him. I said hey at least heís getting some help. I said how you can feel bad when all he is asking you to do is visit him briefly. She told me she felt bad because she couldnít deal with it. I feel no sympathy for her at this point. I want to say, hey buck up. Get some help for you and your daughter. Even your meth addict, pot addicted controlling boyfriend can get some help; why not give it a shot. I was late starting the tape coming back because of her which made me mad. Why canít she talk to me when Iím not working? Why does everything have to happen during the working times?

I am looking forward to hanging out at my sisterís reading, hot tubbing, and sleeping with no insane depressed phone calls from Jro or B.

I have tried to clean up the laundry room this week in preparation for the trip next week and also to find pants that fit my bloated self. I need to stop eating crap and candy. I donít know why I am all of sudden drowning myself in food. I am treating my loneliness with food which isnít a good idea. I also havenít felt well enough to exercise so thatís been a challenge.

I wish the IG could be there for me. But I know he canít so itís my own fault that I feel like shit about that. Itís not his fault. I need to stop fantasizing about how someday heíll do something to surprise me or make me feel better because I know itís not going to happen. I know it but I keep thinking hey, maybe heíll do this or that but I know he wonít because heís selfish self centered son of a bitch who wants to be the nice guy. He will take no blame for anything because heíll say hey I never misrepresented myself to you. Iíd like to sayÖ.okay thenÖthose fabulous blow jobs I give you deserve some jewelry or other thoughtful gift not some damn blank cds. He keeps saying he is a giving person. Yes, to himself.

Big is so into himself right now that it scares the crap out of me. Heís also so cold at times it make me want to cry.

Why I am still miring in this pool of crappy people. I need to surround myself with people who have some sort of positive stuff happening for them.

My life is good. Things are okay. Why am I making such a big deal about not having a boyfriend? Why canít I just quit having sex with IG which makes me ultimately feel like crap because I know Iím not his fantasy girl and I know the only reason I am still sleeping with him is because he has limited choices because of his selfish stupid behavior.

The other night he told me I was a glutton for emotional punishment because of what was going on with Big. He told me I seem to attract this sort of stuff. Great. Yep, and I also attract selfish, self absorbed, cheap assholes who can spend $600 on car wax and not even send me a card for my birthday.

WHY what is so wrong with me that I can only attract weird people? Why does no nice person want me?


Okay. Going to cry now.


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