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2005-01-01 - 10:25 a.m.

Last train to Loserville leaves today.

Bit more discussion of last nightís loserfest. Cause I canít resist prolonging the magic here. .

So after some research I figure out that last night was the only NYE I have spent by myself since I was a child. Well, since I was fourteen. That is fairly child like in my book. Thanks, IG for making me see what the future can bring if I depend on someone else to make me happy. Itís a good lesson that you teach me every time I think I can lean on you for something. You teach me I am truly and utterly alone as far as male companionship goes.
You may ask, well MM, why didnít you go out downtown or talk to a friend or something. All the options were available to you. Or why didnít you suck it up and watch some DVDs or read a book or something? Why did you sit at your computer in tears? Because I am a big loser who felt sorry for herself. Or a maschocist. I didnít even take any pain meds till my side hurt so much I was sort of crying because of that. I didnít eat the ice cream because I thought hmmmÖ..milkÖ.that could cause some problems if I lay down later or it could upset my stomach more than it already is. Maybe I am not a total lost cause.

This diary is very whiny. Maybe I should have one diary for whine and another one that resembles my witty intelligent self. Ha. I mean who is going to want to read something that is so self involved and sad? Upon further analysis, I have to say that unless I go back and get the fifty dollar per session therapy this is a cheaper alternative for the work I should probably do with a therapist. The sad thing is I have insurance and itís still between $25 and $50 a session. I could put that money towards a water softner or plastic surgery for goodness sake.

Today I should be positive, have renewed energy, and work on my house a bit. Fat chance of that after going to bed at 4am. Much of this requires bending so Iím not sure I want to do it. My side still hurts when I breathe in and while bending. Maybe I should be kind to myself and spend the day in a pain med haze watching DVDs or reading. Sitting in the computer chair seems to aggravate the pain in my side. Maybe itís the way I sit? Or maybe my core is weak.

It looks really cold and crappy outside. I will probably take a walk. That might cheer me up.

I will get the new vacuum out of the car. I probably should have investigated repairing the one that I had but at less than $100 a shot itís probably better I get another one. I have no idea what the roommate and his dad did to break the nice vacuum I bought this summer. My other vacuum went on fire cause the dog chewed through the cord. So thatís in the garage waiting for a trip to the dump.

Ah the dump. I can go there now cause I have my own truck. Well, I could go there if I felt more like bending and putting the crap in my truck. I need to work on feeling better physically. It might help me some with the mental illness I am inevitably carry around with me. I am turning into one bitter, pity filled bitch.


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