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2004-12-30 - 2:11 a.m.

No sleep again and I feel sick. IG didnít call and I slept from about 11-3PM on the couch with painkillers in me.

I need to find some different stuff to eat. I had rice tonight, some milk and cookies but felt terribly sick. Maybe itís the milk. I also had some more leftover potatoes. Maybe I took too many painkillers. I swear I am more stiff and uncomfortable now than I was last week after the operation.

A few things I remember. I got off the gurney myself and onto the table. It was narrow. I felt anxious, I tried to make jokes, I was uncomfortable. The anaesthologist attached some monitors to me. I didnít feel comfortable at all. I kept wondering why the vercet wasnít kicking in. Whatever they gave me for the breast surgery at least calmed me down. I wasnít calm before this surgery. It might have been because I decided to sign and advanced directive that morning and I was alone. I kept thinking how alone I was. It was weird. He put the temp monitor on my forehead and then I think he put the drugs in my IV. I do remember waking up in the operating room and telling someone how much I hurt.
After that it was tough to wake up. I remember Janet bringing flowers in and trying to talk to me about 4:30 or so. Then Joyce showed up and I felt tired but I tried to sit up and talk to her. I had two cans of seven up and some crackers. I ate the Ritz sticks from the last plane trip because I hate saltines. I kept thinking wow, Iím not throwing up. I donít feel like I want to throw up. I felt sore but okay. I was hungry but afraid to eat and I had to pee a lot. Joyce talked to me a lot about Risa. I talked to her as much as I could but I felt tired.

The pain in my gut was gone and the unpleasant taste wasnít in my mouth anymore.

My breast surgery I was very sore and out of it. I also felt sick. I think I was under for a shorter period of time for this and they dosed me with some sort of miracle drug to prevent hurling.

I was grateful for that.

By the time I got home I thought I would sleep but I didnít. It was weird.

When I recover from surgery I always feel like I am in a twilight world. It doesnít matter when I sleep or wake. Itís sort of strange. I get tired easily but I think itís also because I am somewhat bored, scared, and lonely. I am always alone in all this. I wish I wasnít but I donít even know how I would be if someone was with me.

Rudy told me he was a bit sick of me by the time I was done being at his house for the breast surgery. I was there four days total and the worst part was the ride home. He didnít stay very long at my house. That surgery was much more involved. This wasnít too bad. I have four little slits in me. The one by my belly button is the one that annoys me the most. Itís where the waist of my pants breaks on me. I will have to massage it cause itís thick and goes into my belly button.

I want to recover quicker so I can work on my fat ass and my messy laundry room


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