2004-12-29 - 1:59 a.m.
White space. White space. I am high on painkillers again but the pain and stiffness isn�t going away. Plus my stomach is bad. Probably the weird popcorn I ate. It had bad grease on it. Who knows it came from Byran.
I have questions.
Why do people think I am a good writer? I really suck at it. I mean I just use it as a vomiting up of feelings and unpleasantries that crop up in my head.
What is so wrong with me that I am not married? I mean there are many ugly, fat, weird unkind woman out there that are married. I would like to get married once.
I wonder if the new girlfriend has slept under the quilt in Rude�s house. I wonder why this is so important to me that I think about it.
I wonder why that dream I had a few weeks ago about Rudy getting married happened. There were other parts of the dream that were also weird but after that night the hole that I have in my heart or my awareness of it has been heightened.
Why, oh why, can�t my sister have some kids of her own? She wanted to be pregnant and have her own family. I remember one fall that she told me that she wanted to be cutely pregnant at Christmas time and I remember thinking what the hell is cute about being pregnant.
I miss my mom sometimes. I like Linda but it�s weird how she make me think about how I miss my mom more.
Why can�t I take care of myself? At home or at work? Why don�t I value myself? What is so wrong in my head that I do this to myself? Why do eat crap that�s bad for me? Why don�t I exercise more? Why do I always say yes to work that I hate or don�t really need to do? Why don�t I make time for me? Or why does time for me end up being when I am so run down, sick or in recovery?
I miss Rudy. Or I miss the idea of Rudy. I mean Rudy got selfish and weird towards the end. He wasn�t having fun and I wasn�t happy. Why am I mourning this so much later?
Why did I wreck it?
I want to feel loved but I think the only way that will happen is if I decide I am lovable.
I do feel triumphant about the insurance guy. He finally submitted to me. FINALLY after almost three years of trying.
I wish I were a happier person.
I wish I had another child. But I don�t think I can do it now cause it�s too late
My dreams.
I want my son to be happy.
I want my friends and family to be happy.
I want to make beautiful meaningful work that helps people.
I want to be a better person.
I want to believe in my beauty.
I want to be a neater more organized person.
I want to be fair.
I want to treasure the times I have had and not regret things.
I want to feel loved by someone.
