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2003-08-24 - 11:10 a.m.

This sucks. I cannot keep waiting for IG. I canít keep crying over IG. I canít do this to myself anymore. I deserve someone who wants to be with me and likes me. Someone who thinks I am pretty. Someone who would enjoy me. This all just sucks. Tonight should have been a really cool night for me. But I wrecked it by thinking IG would be there for me at the end of the night. Well, he wasnít and this sucks. I want someone to be there for me.

You know that was pretty coherant thinking for being drunk and tired last night at 2am. I was pretty scared driving home. I had stopped drinking at 10:30 and I waited till after 1am to start driving but I kept thinkingÖ..five beersÖ.you need an hour for eachÖor maybe not but I think they changed the max to .8 so I was thinking that I needed more time to sober up enough. I really contemplated pulling over somewhere in a parking lot and sleeping but also thought heyÖif the cops find me I could be in even more trouble. I will never do that again. Ever. I just kept thinking he would show up at home. Idiot that I am. I think being angry sober me up. I know thatís not physically possible but I felt in control.

I feel pretty cruddy today cause of the contact lenses. I donít feel hungover just crappy cause of my oxygen deprived eyes. I wish I could wear contacts better. I use to think I would never want to get lasix but now I would consider it. I hate my glasses as I get older. I hate everything that makes me look matronly. So the boobs and the glasses have to go. I need to get over this age thing. I canít change how old I am. Canít. Not possible. Why fight something you canít change? It seems like such a waste of energy.

I need to revise my lifestyle. Spend more time working out. More time cleaning. More time on my lawn. More time writing. Less time worrying about selfish people with big dicks.


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