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2003-01-06 - 1:00 a.m.

Read me as I babble on into oblivion. I have no idea how to write something like this for an audience. I’m not sure I want an audience just yet as all I have to say is very self centered as I untangle the messy man web that I have helped to weave with my dalliances this past year. I can’t really afford to go back to the therapist at this moment.

Plus I’m not sure that they have drugs yet that will treat the sort of restless…. broken heart…self esteem issues I have at that moment. I mean I don’t think I am depressed or that I have uneven moods. I just think I am confused and have some issues with men. I cannot go on with this back and forth thing. It is too slutty even for me.

I mean when the YO calls I will usually go do something with him. I don’t always have sex with him but I will always do some sort of social or cultural activity. Occasionally the sex thing comes up with him because of his great kissing ability. I enjoy being kissed and held by him. I know he likes it too because he told me. I mean he says he feels very comfortable with me. The weird thing about him is that YO has always felt comfortable to me. Always. Even in the heat of drunken passion or sober uncertainty he is a very comfortable person to hold onto. He also says the nicest things to me. Tells me I’m pretty and smart, and that I should kick any man to the curb who thinks differently. Then he will usually wax on about how he’s not sure this is a good idea our being naked and together is….but he has seemed to have stopped those thoughts or at least expressing them. He tells me how much all of this has helped him grow more comfortable and have a better sense of self. I think it’s okay that we have the relationship that we have. The friendship has survived the sex and the sex has survived the friendship. I want to be around when he finally does grow up. I want to see him married and happy. I know he can do this.

Now with Big….I don’t mind going to the movies with him. Lately he also seems to want to do things he never wanted to do when we were together. I do not want to have sex with him. For two reasons. One: he broke my heart. Two: I am having sex with someone else and he is not aware of it. I don’t think it would be fair to him to have sex without talking to him about the other person. He seems to think I have been waiting patiently for him to get his shit together and take me back. I don’t know what he thinks…..really but I am assuming this from the way he acts sometimes. I should just talk to him about it. This is a very unclear situation but that is very familiar territory to both of us. We are terrible at communicating or I am a terrible communicator….it’s probably me.

IG….well there is no communicating going on there. None. Cept with his penis. More about this later when I can think about something other than the penis.

Oh yes. I also went out to eat with the Paperboy the other night. For those of you keeping score this is the recently divorced religious guy that runs a newspaper who is heavily medicated. I will have to write about that one. It’s an interesting tale of ADD if I do say so myself……

I seem to be rating high on my own personal slut o meter. I mean on Sex in the City even Carrie’s character has a problem when she sees her friend blowing the transworld express guy…..

I know I have a problem when I am thinking that I need to keep all of these guys in play at one time. No wonder I have no time to write well thought out prose that deals with anything other than my dating situation. I mean what’s wrong with me? I need to find one guy who I like and likes me who enjoys sex, cuddling on my couch and can deal with my loco life and friends. Why am I finding this so difficult?


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