2006-11-13 - 10:08 a.m.
According to everyone in my life wonderboy is toxic and I must run away from his emotional dysfunction. The events of this week have just highlighted what I probably knew in my subconscious. I knew that wonderboy is messed up, I knew he was bad for me, I knew I wasn't getting anything out of the relationship but the comfort of the dysfunction.
I know how this feels I know how to work this. I know how to be this way. I'm falling back on what I know emotionally. Maybe because I am lazy or not sure, or hurt, or I don't know.
Meanwhile I continue to use food as a weapon of mass destruction on myself. Why I want to destroy myself is not clear or defined. I am using it as medication. I know better but that doesn't mean I do better.
Many people have told me they would give up everything for art. I felt this way once about music. It was a searing, burning passion. I have found it's a wonderfully poetic thing to say that you would do anything for art. To live this way requires more courage and strength than most of us can muster on a daily basis. You can't be scared to be hurt or alone. You can't worry about what your friends or family say. You have to be tough.
I think that's my problem. I am not tough enough, not strong enough, not cool enough, not to mention not smart enough or thin enough. In my old age, I am not steady enough and I am too weak to hold a camera steady for more than a few hours a day.
Although all of this sounds depressing I am not feeling depressed. Just worn down, annoyed and angry at myself.
