2006-09-10 - 10:21 a.m.
I am so afraid to get near anyone. Physically, emotionally, even just as a friend. So many of the relationships I have forged since middle age have had significant problems that make them more difficult to maintain. I wonder why this is the case? I am so desperate to make a connection that I am not making good choices? Is it because I spend most of my time hanging out with a transient population of young people? The friendship problems seem to be with people my own age.
Are you just fated to have so many best friends? Why has friendship changed seemed to have changed so much over my lifetime?
Maybe my requirements or expectations are too high or impossible to meet? I criticize someone in my life for that but am I guilty of the same crime? Do I expect too much? More than alot? Too quote the song.
Why does loyalty in friendship seem to be such a problem for me these days? Why am I jealous of things my friends do with one another and for some reason don't include me? It's normal to some extent but much of the time I think....if those people wanted to invite me they would. If they wanted me there they would have called.
Why do I have trouble maintaining boundaries in friendships? Why do I make friends with people who are alcoholic and addicts? Why do I seem to pursue people with issues? Or is everyone flawed in some way? Is it that I am comfortable with flawed people? Or do I surround myself with people who are more fucked up than I am for a reason? Aren't there any normal people to hang out with in this place?
Isolation is becoming a way of life and I am tired of it.
I am also of the mind that life doesn't always have to be in a crisis mode to be enjoyable or feel normal. I need help with this.
I need to learn to feel comfortable with myself in isolation because I think this will be how I have to be for the rest of my life. My prince charming with the great vocabulary isn't going to knock on my door and walk into my life living here in rural city. My best friend will never be a healthy person who I can grab to go to the mall or to a movie.
I talk a good talk about this but then my actions don't reflect what I want or what I need.