2005-11-23 - 6:31 a.m.
Parts of emails....I wrote in the middle of the night while i should have been sleeping.
How's your heart?
How's your mind? Don't over think. Quiet your thoughts.
Sometimes during the day I think 'wow' and then I smile to myself. I am so happy for you guys.
I apologize for this email. This isn't so much for you to respond to but just to read some of my rambling stuff that's in my head right now. I think I have to go back to some counseling cause I know this crappy health stuff is related to some deterioration in my state of mind lately.
Do you have any interest at all in going to see Liz Phair at Sokol on Thursday 12/8? It's cheap and I'll pay. It's not a priority but she is on my list.
I would like to go see her but there are so many other things happening like work, and I keep wondering if I will ever feel better. Plus there is U2 the next week.
I wish, actually it's been my prayer for the last five years that I could find a female friend who liked music as much as I did so I could have someone to go to concerts with. Ruth never wants to go anywhere as much as she complains about the lack of culture in Wayne, Eddie would go with me most of the time but we talked about it and decided that wasn't so good for Ruth cause we tried doing that a couple of years ago, and Janet well, unless it involves some sort of insane drama it's not possible.
I was thinking of asking the philosophy guy at work. He teaches Ethics and Values. He seems okay and wears motorhead shirts. He is in love with one of my students Nikki who is the cutest little thing with a sweet boyfriend. I think philosophy guy is 34 so that's not so bad for an age gap right? I don't want to seem desperate....like hi, come to a concert with me.
Why do I suck at all social interactions? Why can't I stop overthinking crap? I think I am much better off than I was four years ago but sometimes I just revert to bad thinking patterns that got me nowhere but unhappy.
I still have low self esteem. I can't seem to cure that.
I apologize for this email. This isn't so much for you to respond to but just to read some of my rambling stuff that's in my head right now. I think I have to go back to counseling cause I know this crappy health stuff is related to some deterioration in my state of mind lately.
My usual support system isn't so stable lately. My sister is going thru hell with her adoption and infertility thing, my sort of best friend is crazy with drugs, and my other good friend is involved in some sort of lesbian baby mama drama.
As far as other friends go, well, they are boys....and they have boy problems like volleyball players....so my midlife ramblings and uncertainties aren't really for sharing.
I am in a much better place then I have been in a long time and I am happier but some things just aren't in order. I know I am very lucky cause my career/job as much as I bitch is good and my kid is fine. The two most important things are good.
My health would be better if I was better at caring for myself. I get rundown, I do stupid stuff, I don't rest, I don't relax, I don't eat or sleep right, I don't make time to exercise...... I take on too much and then.....I wonder why the hell I am sick for three weeks.
Even though we might not talk or interact all the time you are an important person in my life. I wanted you to know that. It's meant so much to me that you have shared parts of yourself with me. I wanna be around to see how you are in twenty years. That's more important to me than anything else.
Even more important than the occasional fabulous sex we've had over the years. We may pass it off to others as a drunken dumb lonely thing we did sometimes (and it was like that at times) but you know all that matters is what we think about it in terms of each other, right? I know I learned and grew from the situation. I just don't want anyone to be hurt about it including Carrie so I will take your lead on this. We do need to tell her. I think it will okay plus I think she already knows. I don't think we have to get into the recent friends with benefits remix.
Thanks for taking a chance on all that. I have some good memories. You always made me feel beautiful and wanted...... despite the weirdness/akwardness of the situation. You always felt right to me for some reason. You always kissed me like you meant it. I think being intimate in that way helped both of us. I just hope I didn't hurt you or cause you pain. I know that part of relationship wasn't easy for you sometimes so I appreciate your patience with my lust over the years.
One of my favorite memories has nothing to do with lust. I remembering leaning across you in the Probe in Colorado trying to take a picture of the mountains with my crappy disposable camera. You told me that this was one of the best vacations you'd ever had. I felt so alive and happy. That's the kind of thing that's important to me.
I want to thank you for the times that you've listened to me whine about men and everything else, tolerated my drunken stupid behavior, and indulged me in my concert pursuits. You have really helped me and I've appreciated your friendship over the past four years.
I am so proud of you and the person that you have evolved into. You are a good man
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