2005-11-22 - 4:31 a.m.
Okay note the time stamp on this. I have been up for the last three hours. I can't friggin sleep. I am coughing and still feel like crap on toast. I will work tomorrow and I need to do some extra crap like petfirm and a HD secret shopper thing. Oh well its cash....and we know I need cash.
So yeah....tonight the YO or B as I have been calling him calls. He went to her town and kissed her. I am so happy for him! I want this to work out so badly. That would be so great if this happened. I don't want to jinx it. I want him to be happy. He deserves it. So does she. I will write more about this someday but I don't want anything to go wrong here. No one is allowed to over think this thing. Wow is all I have to say.
I think we decided together on the location of the cafe scene. I will have to ask wonder boy about that.
Oh yeah...wonder boy. I need to stop that. Stop thinking about him in an inappropriate way. The problem with this.... is...it's not lust....it's just the feeling that I have a connection with this person and when I have a connection like that I always mess it up with intimacy. I am so immature and stupid about it. Wish I weren't. I need to grow up. I need to do it quickly. Many of my waking moments when I am not thinking/worrying about work or money I think about laying in that boy's bed with his arms around me feeling safe and warm. STOP. Use your energy and love for good and not self serving needy emotional bullshit. I don't really feel any sort of lust. I can get over lust or work around it. The connection thing...the intimacy thing....the feeling like someone knows you.....that's the tough thing. Why can't this happen with someone close to my age? Or why can't I do this the right way? What is wrong with me? I think I need to go to a pro and tell them my deal here because this worries me. Why did I let someone who's messed up and vulnerable into my heart? Why do I care so much? Why do I want him to care about me? Why does he have to be too young? It just seems to bother us and noone else. I seem to have a lot of questions.
My dog is also being a huge pain in the ass right now. I love her but still a huge pain in the ass. She wants to go out in the cold and is gently woofing at the door. She also managed to eat a package of ramen noodles off the counter. Yumm....
Yesterday's movie day was fun. I was glad I went. I will write more about it later when I can write coherently and not be so sleepy.