2005-09-26 - 4:56 a.m.
Written on Saturday
Well I had a great day Friday and I started having a good day today but it sort of fell apart. Yeah, it's the wonderboy. Walling me off, making me convenient and I'm not important. There is no risk here. Never was and never will be.
He says this is no contest. But being the older and wiser party I know it is. I also know it's not wise to compete against a totally mediated reality or something that's part of someone's dream world.
I guess part of me enjoys this dramatic dance of crap because it's a workout for my intellect. It touches that part of me that until last summer was so painful to work that I couldn't even do it. I kept crying when I was in Maine because of the pain that was caused by art. When I wasn't crying about it, I longed for it. I dreamed about it. This had nothing to do with a man by the way. It had to do with art or my own sanity and creativity. Wow. It's catching. I talk like the kid now. I wonder if that's such a bad thing? Well dramatics are.
As always.....the road leads back to insecurity, loss, pain, and being emotional unavailable to possibilities.
My question to myself as always is.....why? Why don't I give other people a chance? Or if I do why do I pick the most dysfunctional inappropriate people for these sorts of things?
But when do I meet my intellectual equal who also has some sort of passion in their heart and love for popular culture? Or why can't learn to compartmentalize it? One guy for intellectual stuff. You know, intellectual guy....and another for everything else.
Oh well where the karma meets the dogma is where much of the conflict can arise.