2005-08-07 - 2:02 p.m.
Tue, 19 Aug 2003 18:41:46 -0600
Today has been sort of weird and I thought of you. Probably not for the most flattering reason. Please don't think I am psycho or something. I am just very emotional today. I have a feeling you might understand or have some insight on my particular situation.
Here we go.....
After all of this time.....two years....I still love my ex.....terribly. I mean I cannot even imagine feeling like that ever again. It makes me very sad to think I can't move on. I've tried very hard to do it. The problem is I see him at least three or four times a month. Why? I guess cause I want to. But also cause I don't know where else to turn.
I hate being alone. But, in those times when I am alone, I find that I grow. The biggest thing I had to overcome, was trying NOT to be alone. As a weekend without my girls would approach, I'd think of anyone and everyone I could call, email or drop-in on to see if they wanted to do something. But slowly, I have gotten away from that. Not completely, as I am approaching one of those weekends where I have nothing to do and no one to do it with. But I feel less anxiety than I did ... say ... 6 months ago.
Perhaps the thing that has helped me turn the corner has been my therapist. She won't let me wallow in "Oh I still love her" type of stuff.
And actually, i have a similar situation as you. I see Tweeter 2-5 times a week. But as time has gone by, and I see where her life is progressing (or not progressing as the case may be), I am strengthened by that. I can honestly say that right now, we are really good, close friends. I talk to her about potential/demised relationships, and she gives me perspective. I have talked to her often about the business, and she slaps me with reality.
I'm doing pretty good. I still have times -- not that I want or miss her -- but that I really would like the company of a woman (sometimes it's pure sexual and other times a desire for adult female conversation/companionship). I have dated quite a few women, but none of them have "felt" right. Some of them seemed like a pretty good match, but then they had some issues they couldn't deal with and broke it off. The best part is, I'm at the point where a breakup doesn't kill me. I just move on.
Yeah, they work. I take Effexor, and I'm glad I do. The roller coaster isn't as much of a ride with deep, deep valleys and high, high peaks. There are bumps, but that's what they are -- bumps, maybe moguls at times. But they are nothing I can't handle. If you have good insurance, it'll only be about $15-25 a month co-pay. It's worth it.
I am not sure why I felt like I needed to write to you. I kept this in a draft folder for awhile today and I still feel like I need to send it so I am going to. I don't want to admit to my friends that I am still hung up on this guy. I wish I weren't so screwed up sometimes.
You're not screwed up-- even sometimes. You're human. You had deep feelings for this guy, and he shoved 'em in your face. I think counseling is good. Sometimes you can't believe what is so terribly obvious. And other times, you don't think something is truly over. It took me a long time to believe that tweeter really didn't want to be married anymore.
But you aren't screwed up. I am flattered that you emailed me (unless you sent the same thing to a bunch of people :o) I feel like we've always had some kind of special bond whereby we can talk about anything with each other and never feel embarrassed or weird. Maybe we are better for each other than we think.
Now, the sex thing ....
Sorry so psycho