2005-08-03 - 2:55 p.m.
The phone call from the boy today was pretty cold. Or maybe I am overreacting? Of course I am overreacting. I need to do just get it together here kids.
I look at my stupid diary full of hope from the last few days and I feel like such an idiot. I am so stupid and unrealistic. Why do I have feelings for a train wreck of a person who loves someone who has never given him what he wanted or needed. I am an idiot to take two drunken incidents and make it seem like something good. I have no emotional intelligence sometimes.
I am idiotic person who is codependent. Stop Stop Stop. Stop beating yourself up. Run, scream, hit something but don't cry. Stop crying. It's okay.
How can it be good if I am crying?
I am crying over a boy. I am stupid stupid stupid. Tomorrow I have to pick up my son so the chances of me and this boy are now none. I can't do something like that with my son here.
I thought this kid actually could feel something for me. Why am I so desperate for this? What is wrong with me? I've made good progress over the last few weeks. I feel better but this is screwing me up. Did I do this deliberately? To screw myself over? To create drama? How could I be so unkind to myself? Why am I so cruel to myself?
Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.
You can control yourself you can control your emotions. You can do this. You are strong. Breathe. Breathe.
Yeah organically means when he wants it to happen. Why did I do this?
Think, this is your strength and your gift. You have a good mind but a soft and flawed heart. This kid put you in the position to help start healing yourself from one of the biggest dents that has ever been put in your good heart. That is a good thing. He made you remember that funny stomach feeling. Don't wreck it let it be.
Here is the email I would write.
Hey,
Thanks for helping to put me in a place where I can work out my broken heart. Seeing the situation you are in has helped me understand the reality of my situation. I know it sounds cruel but maybe it might help you to know that your pain has helped me focus on what I needed to do to start to heal some of my pre existing wounds. As I always say there is no expiration date on mourning or grieving or even believing. You have to figure that out.
You made me feel better. I enjoyed talking to you. Verbal foreplay is always fun until someone tries that first encounter and then it gets terribly confusing.
