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2005-08-01 - 3:06 p.m.

Okay, so the boy. The boy.

Top Five

1. The kissing
2. Intelligent
3. Feels good
4. Seems interested in the idea of someone else's pleasure
5. Verbal- no one's ever talked to me that much while attempting to have sex

Not so top five

1. He seems really worried about what his family will think
2. He's too young and I know this and see number one
3. He won't be 'The Boy anymore, he'll have to be a 'guy'"
4. If this doesn't work out well who will I watch movies with? Or argue with? Or tease about 'Film Comment'
5. Nervous and somewhat screwed up about prior relationship. I think this statement applies to both of us.

I will dissect this. I am using his word for it. I would use mine which is trying to figure it out. I will do it here instead of with him because why put him through the trouble, right? I don't think he was very comfortable with the other conversation after we were just laying down next to one another. The organic conversation. He was so quiet. I silenced him. I shut him down.

First, a tangent. When have I ever told a story without a tangent? Never. I had a great time at the wedding. I tried to enjoy myself and not think about anything. I was mulling over my thoughts about Big. I kept thinking what if Big married me? Would we have said those words and meant them? How would we have managed? I was thinking about Tina and Cassie and Liz. That whole dynamic. How will that play out in the future.

I kept thinking how serious they all looked up at the altar. Even Casey. I looked at Pat, Dan, Corey, Wes, Jordan, Chris, and Shaun. I thought I have to become a better teacher to them. I love this set of kids. I don't know why I have such an attachment to this particular crew. Usually, I like a few kids that much. These past four years it seems like there has been more bonding. Maybe it was because Bryan was there with me. We seemed like parents because we are parents. That's why these students seem like family to me. They are all special in their own ways. They are all talented. Some of them are gentle and kind. Some have much to learn. They are all together a good group of people with a little dysfunction thrown in the mix for fun.

I was talking to Corey when The Boy came in. He didn't notice me and then said Hi. I do look different all dressed up. I also realized I was wearing something very similar to his mom's. Now that was weird.

The ceremony was short and the church was surprising cool. I didn't take pix because the light was funny in the church from the green windows. I wonder how the video will look. Liz looked great. She had a tan, not as much eye makeup. She just was the picture perfect young bride. The girls looked great. Cassie is quite the hottie when she wants to be. I know Matt, Tina's boyfriend told me that. I agree. Tina has a weird poof to her hairdo which I didn't understand. Kimmy and Erin were so cute together. Hailey looked great. I loved that Hailey and The Boy got to stand on their sides of the family. I thought that was cool and thoughtful The brideman and the groomsmaid. Nice.
All of the boys looked nice in their tuxes. Why can't they brush their hair all the time? It was weird to Casey without a hat and Corey without a visor. Wes like the shoes but complained they were uncomfortable. All of the girls wore different shoes than changed to flip flops even Liz. Someone should make a line of bridal flip flops.

I stood around outside the church with them for too long because I needed to go get the screen for the video. The pictures I took were pretty good. I like most of them. I had a great time talking to Hailey, Erin, and Kim. I didn't drink and thank the lord I didn't because when I left I got a speeding ticket. Crap.

I got the screen when to the reception. Hung out with a variety of people including Mike who talked about nothing but work. Arggg.....kept asking me if I had watched Angel yet. No I haven't had time. Crap.

The dinner was good. The video that Cassie and Chris did was great! I was so proud of all of them. The speeches were okay. I don't think people should wing their speeches. When they write them they are usually better. That's just my opinion. I talked to Linn and Jim for long periods of time. Got drunk. Spent too much money on the dollar dance and beer. Took a ton of pictures. Most of them were okay despite my drunken state.

The boy had been dancing with some girl. Didn't really care about that. Although the smart ass part of me had to make a comment about it later. I did run off to the bathroom one and The Boy asked me if I was okay I told him yeah, I just have to pee. That was the extent of my words to him. I didn't want to be near him because I didn't want him to feel stressed or tense or anything like that.
I hung with the kids. Talked to Hailey. I went to the bar when they stole the bride. Took some great pictures there. The dance was fun. I danced my ass off with the girls, I think I asked Chris to dance with me cause Dan was occupied with some girl . It was fun. I loved it. I didn't care how I looked. I just cared that I felt like was around friends and getting into a happy drunk. I thought EHz......The boy. Probably not my best idea. I tried to take my thoughts away from that and concentrate on having a good time. I did talk to Linn and told her that was really nothing I could do to help him. She told me that she thought Jamie used him. She wished he would be happier. I told her that was what I wanted for him too. He was standing right behind us when we had this conversation. I wondered what he heard.
I talked to Tom and Cyndi. I should have drunk more water. I was drinking quite a few beers and dancing so I think I was sweating it out. Cause I didn't seem to feel that drunk. I did ask The Boy to come dance with me at the end. He agreed which surprised me. I don't remember what he said. I just told him let's just dance. I know there was some verbal back and forth about something but it get hazy here for me. All I thought was wow, it feels good to dance with someone and have them held me close. I tried smiling alot. I wanted to look up at him but tried to keep it all cool. I wish I could remember what we said because all I thought about was how he felt right. I know, I know. I always start with that. Or maybe not. I know of two other guys that I just felt physically compatible like with. It was like when the young one hugged me. That felt right. He felt right. The boy felt that way too but I kept thinking dang he's young and this isn't a good thing.

Afterwards I did manage to put the screen in the truck and someone brought it to Liz and Casey's house. I saw it when I got back to the house after visiting the bar and subway. Dan and The boy bought food. I ate Dan's Doritos which made me fart I think. I was very light headed. I should have drunk more water or something. At their house I sat on the floor watching some crap movie with Cassie and Dan. The two of the groomsmen came in and told us to go to some party which I didn't understand where it was. At some point I jumped on the couch with The Boy when Dan started playing the guitar. Then for some reason I kept putting my head down in The Boy's lap. There is a picture of this. I don't know who took it but my ass looks fat and The Boy has a bottle of Bud heavy.

I was very loud with disgust for the movie. Cassie tried to wake up Chris to go the party but I don't think he did. When they left I don't even know how we got to the kissing part. I know The Boy was reticent. I know he protested. I told him not to worry. I think. Then I think he made move towards me to kiss me and I ended up on top him kissing him. Oh god. The feeling was good. He could actually kiss okay. We decided to go downstairs so no one would see us. I think he said something to me about condoms and told him we weren't going to do that.

We went downstairs and I think he was in his boxers. I took off my shirt and he tried to take off my bra. I know I took off my clothes because I didn't want him to see my ratty underwear. He turned on the soundtrack from Almost Famous. I thought that was cute. But then I realized I was probably being pretty loud because I was drunk. He talked more than anyone else I have ever attempted to have sex with. He told me what felt good. He told me I felt soft. He asked me why there weren't many smart women in the world. He asked about tenure. I told him I could probably fuck everyone in the house and still be okay. He seemed worried or looking for an excuse. He mentioned friends, family etc. I told him to just be with me. I asked him about his virginity. He told me he lost it when he was 21. I was just so happy he wasn't one. I was sort of afraid of that. For some reason I went through the list. It seems ridicules to me now that I did that when in bed with him. I loved kissing him. It felt so great. Every thing else felt rushed and he was nervous and drunk so that means he was soft. I told him to hold his penis and just masturbate and I would do other stuff. He told me to hold his balls I think he came. I am not sure though. After this I tried to get up and leave but I wanted to stay there and lay next to him. But I knew I couldn't do that. We did end up going back into his room after drinking some water. He wanted to actually try to do it but we had no condom so I was like no we can't do that. He wanted to know how to make me feel good. I tried to show him but he was so nervous. I was nervous too. I kept thinking I don't want to screw him up. I don't want to feel something I shouldn't for this person because it's not appropriate. Too many ramifications. He kept saying what about your job. What he doesn't understand is this sort of crap happens for men all the time. They don't get fired. Is my boss gonna question me about this, yeah maybe. But fire me, not a chance. All of the people above me have had relationships with students or teachers. There is no hard and fast rule. The thing I worry about the most is family. Crap. That I feel guilty about. I do care about him. I want him to be happy and have a good life. He has alot of stuff to get through. I know I said something about just spending the summer with me and he's like you want to put an expiration date on this? I am not sure how to approach this. I don't know. I want him in my life as a friend for always. I want to know him when he gets older and becomes the man he should be. I have a few folks in my life that I feel that way about. I want to know them and see them progress. I want to be a part of their lives forever. It's a special thing that I feel for some people, not all of them. I know I want it to be this way with him.

The most touching thing. Something that almost made me cry was that he said Maureen I want to make something. Maybe we will make it together. I want to make you proud of me. I am almost tearing up now writing this. I told him I was already proud of him and that he could pull this together. I told him I thought he wrote great dialogue. I told him at some point I thought that there wasn't an expiration date on grief about The Girl. He told me his sanity might be the thing that's sacrificed for his art. He's big into saying that. I don't know if he will ever resolve The Girl. He keeps telling me he keeps going back because they look at each other and she silently tells him no way will this ever happen between us.

He told me to call him. It was sort of pathetic cliché thing and he stated that. I saw him the next day when I brought the pictures over and gave Dan his internship papers. He seemed okay. I have him some drugs which I probably shouldn't have done. He told me he might go see Stealth and then work at the bar. He didn't seem quite right about it and we didn't make eye contact. I went to Stealth and it was actually okay but kinda dumb. He didn't show up and I didn't call him.

The aftermath of all this. I smiled when I was driving home. I want him to kiss me again. I want to have a chance to have some sort of relationship with this person but I don't know how to define it. This is just stupid on my part. I want him to know what it feels like to be held by someone that cares. I've been loved I know I have. I've been able to have sex with people that care about me and were there for me emotionally. He's never had that. I want him to have that. Maybe I'm not the right person to do this but I want him to feel wanted, safe, and loved. I know that there are many things that aren't right about this. I can't do much about the circumstances. I can do something to control my behavior. The problem I don't want too. He opened up a little crack in my heart. I feel some hope creeping in. I know that's wrong to feel that with this person. I know this person has a lot of issues and things wrong with him. I can't fix him. I know he has to fix himself. I know this. I want to help as much as I can. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt myself.

I want to feel good about something. I sort of feel good about this. I know it's wrong and I don't know what the next day will bring me. I just hope we can still be friends. I think we can do it. I hope we don't worry other people in our lives that care about us. I hope we can be good to each other. Maybe he can teach me to believe. Maybe I can teach him not to hurt so badly that everything in his life must be drowned in alcohol and drugs. Maybe we can both learn together that love and care is not pain while still being friends.
I went back and edited this entry for content at a later date just in case I felt like sharing. I wrote one very telling sentence that made me cringe when I wrote it and when I went back and read it later it made cry. It's better that I just know it was there.

 

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