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2005-02-13 - 12:26 a.m.

IG called last night at about 9:30 asking for it and to wish me a happy valentineís day. I told him I was too tired and what about tomorrow. He said that might not be possible. SoÖ.what should I think about this. Three things:

1) Nothing
2) Heís on a date
3) Heís at some event that he wouldnít possibly take me too.

Wish he would be honest or direct about these things but I know he wonít be. Best to hedge your bets so the sex is still there if the date bombs.

The divorced guy continues his series of somewhat pornographic emails. I guess its good I went out with at least two guys who saw me as sexy and attractive and expressed it. Too bad one has anger management issues and the other had so many personal issues.

I am such snot about certain things. Just because DG can barely spell and write doesnít mean I should hold that against him.

Oh why I am such a loser right now?

Okay, so itís Saturday night and I am crying. At almost 41 itís come down to a choice between a guy who is too young, too short, who has somewhat appalling political ideas and a divorced guy with three kids who seems sweet but isnít the sharpest knife in the draw and somewhat unattractive. Yep. The field narrows as you get older. This just isnít going to happen for me is it? I am going to grow old and no man will be by my side unless I make a significant compromise or settle for something I wonít be happy with. I had my great love and he never told me he loved me because I was afraid of all of it. So yep I deserve this.

In other news, my meeting at work on Friday just sucked. I have to do an extensive remix of paperwork to make changes in my area and the power coupleís proposal is going to be kicked to the curb.

I need to lose weight and not look matronly. Then I can at least have sex with younger guys which I guess dulls this pain I have in my heart. I am lonely and depressed. I just realized why I feel like crap right now. I havenít taken my stupid Effexxor in two days so this is why Iím crying and overreacting in some ways. I guess I could blame it rather than on myself.

Okay a valium and an effexxor should fix this weird feeling I have in my head. My dose is low but man if I forget it, I have troubles.

We have rain for today and tomorrow which means the muddy dog will be sitting on my coach and having that lovely eau du wet puppy which I hate.

Oh yes, and there will no card or flowers on V-DayÖ.again IG with the whole too many expectations thing which I think is just an excuse for being a cheap bastard. Heck a cardÖwould be fine but he canít even do that. Itís not that heís not smart or anything like it. He just doesnít want to do it. So you canít change someone like that.

Although I find it interesting that I am the woman he has had sex with the longest. I should probably gotten some jewelry out of it. Thatís not really the way I think but crap he could at least buy me a decent birthday gift. Crap. Heís really a selfish fuck.

Why did I fuck it up with Big? What so wrong with me? Why canít I get over and move pass or change? Why am I stuck?

 

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