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2005-01-28 - 8:38 a.m.

My heart hasnít moved in three years. I havenít grown or moved on or had a catharsis. My heart is stuck in in 2001. My heart is stuck in the year 2001. My mom died, 9/11, lost my best friends at work and I broke up with Big, I had sex with a young one and it was good. Iím stuck. Iíve had therapy. Taken antidepressants. Had two surgeries. Been unhealthy. Cried some, and then cried some more. Bought a house, worked my ass off to get that done. I am not sad about these events just a bit worried that my heart hasnít bounced back. I believe in love but not for me anymore. I mean at this stage what would be the point?
I wish I were at a fighting weight cause I could at least date. I know that I could date now but it wouldnít be pretty. I wish I could get over my weight issues cause now itís hanging around my waist and my head. This makes it more difficult to conquer the problem. I know how to lose weight and feel better but Iím just not doing it. I need to work on it. I need to value you myself.
If I valued myself I could believe in love again. I think.
My other problem is when I had it I didnít appreciate it or enjoy it so I missed it. That makes me sad in so many ways. When I was younger I never took the time to enjoy what I had. The only thing Iíve learned is to try to enjoy my life for what is. If I wait to find love again I could be waiting for longer than I probably want to.
I donít want to cry or worry anymore about all this. I need to let it go. Thatís a problem. I hang on to everything longer than I need to. I have too many emotional leftovers and itís time to clean out the fridge. How can I do that? I need someone to teach me or at least to examine as a model. Who do I know that is healthy and conducts their relationships in a same manner? Is there anyone out there who isnít damaged in some way? Or damaged in a less intrusive way that can be fixed?
Last night on the phone with IG he said that youíre one of the people who denies they want love and then you always find it. There are some days I wish he did love me or at least appreciate me a bit more. I am not holding out for that or crying over him. Itís not worth my tears.
I did talk to him about itís all about looks. I know this and I know what to do to fix this on my part but you know me. I canít do what I say and I canít say what I mean. What I have here is the ultimate failure of interpersonal communication.
Yesterday I read this article in the Chronicle about this female prof in a small rural community who decided to move because she couldnít find anyone to social with or date. Hello! MY life story. Who do I hang with? Single moms and a student or two. I also have J. the deranged friend but that is of no help sometimes.
I need to make a plan to improve my life and enjoy it. I need to smile more. I need to eat and drink less and exercise more. I need to improve my writing so I can use it as a healing tool. I wish it were as easy as going to a holy person to pray for my soul or my heart. I want my heart back sometimes. I miss it. I miss that part of me the most. Sometimes that part comes out at work. The problem with that is how does that help me personally. It doesnít.
I need help and the only person who can do it is me. ME!

 

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