2005-01-28 - 8:38 a.m.
My heart hasn�t moved in three years. I haven�t grown or moved on or had a catharsis. My heart is stuck in in 2001. My heart is stuck in the year 2001. My mom died, 9/11, lost my best friends at work and I broke up with Big, I had sex with a young one and it was good. I�m stuck. I�ve had therapy. Taken antidepressants. Had two surgeries. Been unhealthy. Cried some, and then cried some more. Bought a house, worked my ass off to get that done. I am not sad about these events just a bit worried that my heart hasn�t bounced back. I believe in love but not for me anymore. I mean at this stage what would be the point?
I wish I were at a fighting weight cause I could at least date. I know that I could date now but it wouldn�t be pretty. I wish I could get over my weight issues cause now it�s hanging around my waist and my head. This makes it more difficult to conquer the problem. I know how to lose weight and feel better but I�m just not doing it. I need to work on it. I need to value you myself.
If I valued myself I could believe in love again. I think.
My other problem is when I had it I didn�t appreciate it or enjoy it so I missed it. That makes me sad in so many ways. When I was younger I never took the time to enjoy what I had. The only thing I�ve learned is to try to enjoy my life for what is. If I wait to find love again I could be waiting for longer than I probably want to.
I don�t want to cry or worry anymore about all this. I need to let it go. That�s a problem. I hang on to everything longer than I need to. I have too many emotional leftovers and it�s time to clean out the fridge. How can I do that? I need someone to teach me or at least to examine as a model. Who do I know that is healthy and conducts their relationships in a same manner? Is there anyone out there who isn�t damaged in some way? Or damaged in a less intrusive way that can be fixed?
Last night on the phone with IG he said that you�re one of the people who denies they want love and then you always find it. There are some days I wish he did love me or at least appreciate me a bit more. I am not holding out for that or crying over him. It�s not worth my tears.
I did talk to him about it�s all about looks. I know this and I know what to do to fix this on my part but you know me. I can�t do what I say and I can�t say what I mean. What I have here is the ultimate failure of interpersonal communication.
Yesterday I read this article in the Chronicle about this female prof in a small rural community who decided to move because she couldn�t find anyone to social with or date. Hello! MY life story. Who do I hang with? Single moms and a student or two. I also have J. the deranged friend but that is of no help sometimes.
I need to make a plan to improve my life and enjoy it. I need to smile more. I need to eat and drink less and exercise more. I need to improve my writing so I can use it as a healing tool. I wish it were as easy as going to a holy person to pray for my soul or my heart. I want my heart back sometimes. I miss it. I miss that part of me the most. Sometimes that part comes out at work. The problem with that is how does that help me personally. It doesn�t.
I need help and the only person who can do it is me. ME!
