2004-12-31 - 10:17 p.m.
Yep. So he does call. But leans on that whole, I�m against New Year�s Eve bullshit. Apparently there are too many expectations of NYE for the IG. I wonder what that means. I can�t help but wonder if he isn�t at some party he didn�t want to invite me too. Man, I need to get some self confidence or something. It�s now 9:50 and I can�t get a call back so I�m thinking the NYE booty call is on hold. Although with the huge hole in my belly button I am unsure of my abilities at this time. He also told me that his xrays showed his rib isn�t healing properly. Maybe I should take that as a sign. Oh hell, I am an idiot, I should have said, �Can I come over later?� when I did have him on the phone. I get what I deserve than. Alone. I hate being alone sometimes.
I really wish he would call back cause if I�m not going over there I want to scrub this makeup off and take a pain pill so I can cry about this in peace. I don�t even know what I did last NYE. I know in 2002 I spent it in Omaha. 2001 not even sure what happened than. I think last year I went over to his house but I�m not sure. Yep. Check it and that�s what I did.
I�m tired from shopping and lifting today. Maybe I shouldn�t go out. Here I sit.
I recall the days of going to concerts or Times Square on NYE. Back then I had an emotional roller coaster of a life. I saw the Kinks on NYE with Jim. I think we also had a huge fight that night. Or was that the Billy Joel New Year�s Eve concert. I think I was a wee bit of a bitch back then. I also think I was petrified by the fact that he visited a prostitute. I didn�t think that was so cool at that the time. He lost his virginity to one. I guess he went back cause he felt it was a good experience.
I was very confused at that time. I had a huge crush on Leon and I had been dating Jim for the usual two year span where I get terribly bored. I remember trying to break that relationship off so many times and being frightened because he was so violent about it.
The last time I remember him begging for some break up sex and all I would do was give him a blow job because I was so not into the idea of him touching me.
Jim was very manipulative. He kept telling me how I wasn�t creative and I think that bothered me a lot at the time. I never felt like my grades were good enough. I never felt I deserved better cause my parents were constantly angry at me because of my dating habits. Which I admit at times ran to the slutty side of things but I had really straightened out by the time I had met Jim.
10:15 okay so IG called back. I tried to be cool about this but now I�m crying and my eyes are stinging terribly cause of my stupid mascara. He said he doesn�t feel well and he used my full name which means he is annoyed. He told me it was up to me but he sounded so pissy I just thought the hell with this. I remained as calm and nonchalant as I could. I guess I can take that pain pill now and feel like shit cause there is no one to kiss me on New Year�s Eve. Better Luck next time.
