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2004-12-29 - 1:59 a.m.

White space. White space. I am high on painkillers again but the pain and stiffness isnít going away. Plus my stomach is bad. Probably the weird popcorn I ate. It had bad grease on it. Who knows it came from Byran.

I have questions.

Why do people think I am a good writer? I really suck at it. I mean I just use it as a vomiting up of feelings and unpleasantries that crop up in my head.

What is so wrong with me that I am not married? I mean there are many ugly, fat, weird unkind woman out there that are married. I would like to get married once.

I wonder if the new girlfriend has slept under the quilt in Rudeís house. I wonder why this is so important to me that I think about it.

I wonder why that dream I had a few weeks ago about Rudy getting married happened. There were other parts of the dream that were also weird but after that night the hole that I have in my heart or my awareness of it has been heightened.

Why, oh why, canít my sister have some kids of her own? She wanted to be pregnant and have her own family. I remember one fall that she told me that she wanted to be cutely pregnant at Christmas time and I remember thinking what the hell is cute about being pregnant.

I miss my mom sometimes. I like Linda but itís weird how she make me think about how I miss my mom more.

Why canít I take care of myself? At home or at work? Why donít I value myself? What is so wrong in my head that I do this to myself? Why do eat crap thatís bad for me? Why donít I exercise more? Why do I always say yes to work that I hate or donít really need to do? Why donít I make time for me? Or why does time for me end up being when I am so run down, sick or in recovery?

I miss Rudy. Or I miss the idea of Rudy. I mean Rudy got selfish and weird towards the end. He wasnít having fun and I wasnít happy. Why am I mourning this so much later?
Why did I wreck it?

I want to feel loved but I think the only way that will happen is if I decide I am lovable.

I do feel triumphant about the insurance guy. He finally submitted to me. FINALLY after almost three years of trying.

I wish I were a happier person.

I wish I had another child. But I donít think I can do it now cause itís too late

My dreams.

I want my son to be happy.

I want my friends and family to be happy.

I want to make beautiful meaningful work that helps people.

I want to be a better person.

I want to believe in my beauty.

I want to be a neater more organized person.

I want to be fair.

I want to treasure the times I have had and not regret things.

I want to feel loved by someone.

 

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