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2003-08-19 - 5:42 p.m.

Today was rough. My sister found out her second insemination attempt didn’t work. She isn’t happy and tomorrow is her birthday. Her birthday always sucks for her. I feel terrible but I am not sure what I can do for her. I try to listen. I try to be there for her. She keeps telling me that no one knows how she feels or can understand her pain. Today she kept telling me about how she missed mom and she wasted her time with her ex. How he wasted ten years of her life. She was very angry at him. I can understand that.

I was very sad about all this. I feel so helpless.

In health news I apparently have worn away my tooth enamel with my constant teeth grinding of the last few month. I will be getting a mouth guard. My therapist told me I need to be evaluated for anti-anxiety medications. Yah think? She said I have to go to my regular doctor. I really don’t feel like calling the voodoo village and saying hi….I think I need an evaluation for depression and anxiety get me some drugs. She gave me some other numbers but I’ll have to think about it.

Tomorrow my roommate starts high school. It seems like yesterday when I walked him up the drive of the Cardinal Elementary school and into the kindergarten classroom. I feel weird about this but I think it’s great. I hope high school will be okay for him and not filled with anxiety and social stresses.

I feel strange today. I keep having panic attacks about stuff….dumb stuff….and I keep thinking about IG or Big.

Big is so distant from me right now. I wish I were thinner and younger cause than the IG would consider me a contender. This whole mess keeps me in a constant state of low self esteem and in general makes me feel so miserable. I mean the best thing for me to do or the most sensible thing would be for me to say to Big. Hi…remember me? Your best friend? Your sexy thing? I need to know. I need to know should I stay or should I go? Do you want kids? If you want them with me the process must start now….. so let’s either get back together with the idea that we plan to be together or I need to stay away for awhile to get my life in order without you. I mean it seems so weird to think of life without him. I can’t conceive or imagine it. It’s so difficult for me.

IG on the other hand……..I like having sex with him. I wish I knew if he liked me or not. His theme lately is that he is a nice guy. He keeps telling me that. Over and over again. I know I am not what he wants. I just know it. Or I assume it. I just don’t want to rock the boat with him.

These days the song that runs through my head is Madonna ‘The Power of Goodbye’

Your heart is not open so I must go

The spell has been broken?

I loved you so

Freedom comes when you learn to let go

Creation comes when you learn to say no

Walk away

You were my lesson I had to learn

I was your fortress you had to burn

Pain is a warning that something's wrong

I pray to god that it won't be long

Walk away

There's nothing left to try

There's no place left to hide

There's no greater power

Than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go

The spell has been broken? I loved you so

You were my lesson I had to learn

I was your fortress

There's nothing left to try

There's no place left to hide

There's no greater power

Than the power of goodbye

There's nothing left to lose

There's no more heart to bruise

There's no greater power

Than the power of goodbye

Learn to say good-bye

I yearn to say good-bye

I am not sure how willing am I to do this. Or how strong I can be to do what I should do to be healthy. I am so worn out right now. By all the work…the stress….

I pray for my sister. I pray for Ty. I pray that my mom is okay. I pray that my son will be happy. I pray for my own peace.

I wonder sometimes about that. I know God listens. He has too.

 

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