2003-03-04 - 10:55 p.m.
Confusion
Yeah I have to say that I am confused at times about men. My ex, Mr. Big and my family got together and decided to give me a new computer for my birthday. It is so cool. I can't wait to bring it home. It has a 21 inch monitor...and a fast processor. So much better than what I have now. It was so cool for my family and Big to do this.
I love Big and I always will but sometimes I am not sure what his motives are. I mean he is constantly dogging me for sex��and lately I prefer to do that with IG. I mean it�s not that IG loves me or even cares for me. It seems to be all about the fuck. I wish I could get back to the place where I could just be happy with Big or I wish Big and I could get to a place where he could just say��Hey�.mediamaven I love you�.
I don�t think he wants to go there. I know he loves me and I love him. He seems to want something else or he did want something else. Who knows? I should probably ask him. It�s one of those mysteries of the universe. We have spent so much time together. So many things�so many experiences.
Now Mr. IG�.he is about the same�calls every once in awhile wants sex��doesn�t seem to understand that when he calls at 10pm on Friday I might not be home. He still seems to be obsessed with his ex and her family. I understand his loyalty. I understand why he must keep his distance from me.
He also says things to me or touches me in a way that gives me that strange false hope. I wish I were not like this with men. I don�t want to be with the ones who want me but I want to be with the ones that don�t want me. Very confusing.
